Acknowledgments xiii
Introduction xvii
1 Trade Frequently 1
2 Trade Foreign Exchange 11
3 Believe in Your Heart That You Can Pick Stocks 19
4 Assume That Recent Trends Will Continue Indefinitely 29
5 Pour Continuer . . . Sell When Things Look Bleak . . . and Stay the Heck Out of the Market 35
6 Know in Your Heart That This Time It’s Different . . . and Act on It 41
7 Dividends Are for Spending—Not Investing—Just Ignore Them or Use Them to Buy Baubles 49
8 Cash Is Garbage—Except When It’s Not 57
9 Put Your Money into a Hedge Fund 69
10 Try Strategies That No One Else Has Ever Thought of . . . You Can Out-Think the Market 77
11 Use the Strategies That University Endowments and the Giant Players Use 81
12 Commodities Are Calling . . . Will You Answer the Phone?: Everything That Happens in Your Life Involves Commodities 87
13 Go on Margin for Everything 93
14 Sell Short 97
15 Do Not Have a Plan for Your Investing or for Your Financial Life Generally 103
16 Do It All Yourself 109
17 Pay No Attention at All to Taxes 111
18 Believe That Those People You See on TV Can Actually Tell the Future 113
19 Do Not Start Even Thinking about Any of This until the Absolutely Last Moment 117
20 Don’t Believe That Any of This Matters Very Much, This Money Stuff 119
2149: How to Ruin Your Greatest Asset—You 123
Choose a Career with No Possibility of Advancement 124
Choose a Career with Little Chance for a Good Income 124
Choose Lots of Education over Lots of Pay 125
Show No Respect for Your Boss or Fellow Workers 125
Don’t Learn Much about Your Job, Industry, or Employers . . . Just Wing It 126
Do the Minimum Just to Get By 126
Show Up in Torn Jeans, Unshaven, Unwashed, Any Old Way You Feel Like Showing Up 126
Show No Regard for the Truth 127
Display Open Contempt for Your Job, Your Fellow Workers, Your Boss, and Your Clients/Customers 127
Act Like You Are Morally Superior to Your Job and Your Colleagues 128
Do Not Be Punctual 128
Don’t Hesitate to Have a Cocktail or Two at Lunch 128
Gossip and Sow Divisiveness at Work 129
Second-Guess Everyone around You at Work, Especially Your Boss 129
Threaten Your Boss and Employer with Litigation 129
Look for Grievances at Work 130
Make Sexual Advances to Anyone You Find Attractive 130
Make Excessive Phone Calls, Texts, and E-Mails on Company Time 131
Play Video Games at Work and Make Loud Noises as You Do 131
Make and Keep Lots of Personal Appointments on Company Time 132
Listen to Your Colleagues’ Conversations and Snoop on Their E-Mails 132
Talk about How Much Better Earlier Employers Were Than Your Current Employer 133
Brag about Your Great Family Connections 133
Pad Your Expense Account 134
Borrow Money from Your Fellow Employees and Don’t Pay It Back 134
Question, Mock, and Belittle Your Tasks 135
Flirt with Your Colleagues’ Significant Others 135
Proselytize at Work and Belittle Anyone Who Doesn’t Share Your Political or Religious Beliefs 135
Say Anything You Want That Comes into Your Head 136
About the Author 137
